Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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