I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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