I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
no, he came in my armpit
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm just crazy horny about you
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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