I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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