Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
