She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
