I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
