I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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