why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
