I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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