at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
