Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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