First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
