Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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