Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
