i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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