The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
