My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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