omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
