All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
