I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
