Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
