Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Sober January is a disaster.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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