Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
