I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
