Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
