be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need to stop coming to work sober
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
did i just pee glitter
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
