6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
