I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
