Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
