you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
