dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
sex in a hospital.. check
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
