sorry about calling you the devil all night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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