i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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