dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
