The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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