I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
