you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
