Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
