I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
