I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
