I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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