I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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