i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize