I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
