I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
