I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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