he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
vagina is talking i cant
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
