Acid is not a monday night drug
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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