Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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