So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
