she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We don't watch enough power rangers
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
