listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
