like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
