dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
