He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
