I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
