this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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