***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
